“I don’t like change,” says the stubborn Taurus aspect of mySelf. “It feels good, safe, and secure to build what and where I am and just Be," it presses, and is known to press harder.
“Change is good,” says the Aries part of me. “It’s exciting to be creating and Doing. Adventure and newness await!”
Other, wiser, aspects of me say, “Change is evolution, IF we are not changing just for the sake of it. Let us view this from many perspectives and think on this for awhile.”
These are but a snapshot of the Selves of Awareness I carry moving into 2020. The layers I move through when acting with mindful presence and conscientious effort in my life – not something I have been historically good at. I knew the projects through 2019 – most specifically the monthly Shamanic Tarot readings on my YouTube channel, Wild Woman Wise – were not long term projects. Rather, it was revealed to me mid-year, a necessary experience intended for me to build key skills for the future. The adventure, a vehicle I have been riding in to get from there, 2018, through 2019, and into the new incarnation of Self in 2020.
The first randomly selected video I watched, I found mySelf talking about my wishes should the video collection be found posthumously. I had become the living dead tumbling with confusion. Yet, as I bore witness to the Self I was then, I was in awe.
"Who was this fierce woman who felt so weak and depleted of life force energy?, I wondered. She appeared and sounded powerful to me.
"Who was she with the knowledge to be fighting in the pits of Hell to reclaim her Soul?"
In the space of now, I was not aware of the clarity I maintained through the blurring of my mind then. With time, space, distance, and healing I liken this period to a Storm Cloud placed over my head unleashing violent unrelenting claps of Thunder and stinging shocks of Lightning.
There was also the video where tears streamed down my face as I expressed doubt I would survive or how I would make it through when I already felt so thin, hollowed out, and weakened. These are intensely intimate moments between my then Self and the future Self – whenever, if ever, that would be. I am forever grateful for and to her. As she said in one vlog sign-off,
“Keep fighting the good fight because you’re kicking ass.” Indeed, she – I was kicking ass!
Here, in the final hours of 2019, I am creating the landscape and space in 2020 to begin the Self Analysis of my journals, mandalas, sculptures, and vlogs. To really Be with the Self who did the gritty work that allows me the freedom I enjoy today. To witness the Self who was willing to die rather than become food. To get to know the Self who walked the edges, and then beyond to call and retrieve her broken and lost Spirit home. To acknowledge the Self whose weaknesses and flaws are parts of what make me real, flawed, and human. And then, love her fiercely and unconditionally as I hold her through wild torrents of pain. To honor the Self who faced her Shadows and the mirrors they emerged through with courage. To be in awe of the Self who was brave enough to re-member and re-move the fantasy and illusions that engulfed the desperate, pitiful, and hungry corners filling her mind with Self-doubt. To pay omage to the Self who looked darkness in the eye with grace, so as to avoid incurring karmic debt. To care for the Self who was humble and broken, and who, despite feeling utterly unworthy, had the wisdom to ask for help.
In the now – I REALLY want and need to get to know her. I want to love her and show her all the ways in which she individuated, then integrated. I no longer feel like “I can’t face her,” or that “I’m not ready,” but rather, I feel inspired and overjoyed that I get the opportunity to meet her – face to face, heart to heart, pen to pen, and art to art.
I am grateful for the past two years as I have sought to bring balance into my life; it has been my daily mantra. I am grateful to have walked in authenticity as my journey unfolds. To understand the wisdom of letting go, even when it hurts to the marrow. To trust the subtleties of Spirit once again. I am honored to have walked, run, fallen, shattered, crawled, slithered, and danced my way through the past decade to find the simple – and not so simple – ability to love mySelf, this life, and incarnate into this Sacred Cosmic portal of time. To understand and embody the most powerful love of all – the sacred love of mySelf.
It is delicious to be alive in 2020 and I thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey with me.