It’s something I can’t recall feeling with consciousness prior to this experience. I had moved every two to four years for the first 20 years of my adult life and changed schools growing up nearly as often. Then, I moved to Colorado in 2008 and could not bring mySelf to leave for nearly 11 years. I felt bound to the land until I purposely chose to become untethered by making unconscious choices that seemed Spiritual and enlightened or enlightening. Maybe I felt stifled by my choice to remain in one place? Over time, the world of my choosing started to close in and become small. The side of me that had learned how to live globally and vivaciously out loud became silent, receded, and imprisoned in places deep within.
In February 2016, my Guides called for me to return to my Grandmother’s home saying I needed to “pull up out of the land.” The message came intermittently over the months my focus was in spaces of potential in the vastness of opening to a multidimensional reality through my Kundalini Awakening. All the while knowing some of the consequences if I did not heed their guidance. It was on my mind always and just not something I wanted to focus on.
I made the pilgrimage that October and, on the third night, I was called to visit a particular spot by the garden and behind the boulder I recalled being huge that was really just about waste high. I placed my belly on the ground and absorb my maternal lineage into my physical Being through an umbilical chord made of magic, Spirit, and space.
I returned home to my life in Colorado and severed connections – friendships, my practice and with it clients, financial stability, toxic relationships, and Red Tent. I could not bring mySelf to show up to Tent in the condition I was in and what had access to come through me. I would rather have died than given it access to feed on anyone else, least of all my Sisters. I began living an untethered life processing through the stories and experiences of my maternal lineage within the vessel I was born to care for.
I began dis-membering. My vessel starving and racked with the pain of twisting and turning between past lives and present potential realities that served to drown my consciousness of being present in this world, let alone being in the moment. Too many dimensions opened at once and I searched to open more out of ignorance and the desire to understand – my mind splitting in directions of sheer terror. Who was I now? Upon waking on the floor after a particularly terrifying seizure, I said to my husband who was holding me, “I don’t know who I am.” He simply replied, “I do.” Laying there looking up at him, I blinked hard in confusion.
During my descent into the Dark Night of the Soul that lasted every bit of two years, the voice of my Guides left me. From eight years of age until I turned 40, they had been there guiding and supporting me. I trusted and surrendered over and over, reweaving and remaking my life as they requested. I was entirely unconscious of the powerful blessing this was in my life and how unusual. I assumed everyone had this experience and that my Guides would always be with me as needed, just as they had always been. Not realizing the blessing this was in my life, or even what it was (I did not have a clear language then). I attended workshops and events, listened to daily and nightly meditations guiding me to find my Spirit Animal, the Goddess, and Guardian Angel, etc. the list is long and vast. I sought to find the voice of higher consciousness while completely neglecting the fact that “they” had been communicating with me most of my life. I took them for granted and, at pivotal times leading up to their silence – I ignored them. I disrespected them, my gifts, and mySelf. I doubted all of it and…
For once in my life, I wanted to do what I wanted to do – I was addicted and wanted more Spiritual experiences. To find my edges (what were they REALLY?). I moved through my human experience like a hungry Lioness seeking fulfillment anywhere I could find it. I became animalistic, unbridled, unkempt, and certainly untamed – I found the edges I was seeking before realizing how far I had gone and,
I’d gone too far…
The expanse so vast, I actually lost the sense of smell and taste.
Life had become flat, painful, unenjoyable, and without meaning.
I had gone far from knowing what any sense of home felt like – I no longer even felt at home in my body.
When, in 2018, I learned I would be relocating to Texas, it took every bit of the time I had before moving to wrap my mind around this change. re-Membering how to move, to become Gypsy once more – it had been easier when it was the life I wanted. This proved uncomfortable to once again surrender into following the lead of my Guides and trusting. To surrender into the experience of allowing Soul to lead once again. Closing doorways of potentials I no longer wanted to entertain, I was once again creating and manifesting the life I desired. Living in right relationship to Self, no longer influenced through external motivating factors, questioning my path, or the voices of others but rather, the truest voice of my authentic Nature – the resonance and tone of my own voice.
As all of these experiences came forward – expressed through tears – in Red Tent, with the safety and warmth of a Sisterhood grown strong in connection with deep roots. It is in the safest of spaces we are able to shed tears that grow us and help us process the journey it took to be in the here and now.
After time in our Temple and with the space created to process after, I began thinking of the feeling and experience of what it means to have a home, to be home, to feel home. To be at ease within.
Realizing, through a kaleidoscope of exploration, our greatest space of ease is to be at home with the sacredness of ourSelf and to see that home has many different meanings for me:
I am at home within this vessel I incarnated to be Sacred Caretaker.
I am at home with the land of the Rocky Mountains and Front-range.
I am at home with the Sisters of my Red Tent Temple
and the space we hold for each other monthly as our own personal seasons change.
I am at home where I am called to physically reside.
Above all else, I am at home listening to the Wisdom of my Soul.
Question For You
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